‘The voice' that holds you back.

Why is recovery not as attractive as most people may think it is...?

Before I begin to explain why I think recovery might not feel such a glorious option to most ED sufferers, I want to tell you that I am for pro-recovery. I do believe that there is freedom and life beyond an Eating Disorder. And let's be honest here, having an Eating Disorder is not life at all!

I have suffered from anorexia for the first twenty four years of my life. Anorexia was there even when it did not control my eating style. I remember having a voice in my head telling me that I was never good enough and I was unlovable. I was only about 8 years old when I harmed myself  for the first time, because I felt that I deserved to be punished for not being good enough.( Despite of being best at everything that I have ever did at school or sport or whatever else ). And I never had weight issues. On the contrary, I had always been teased for being too thin...I even had a nickname: ‘bones’. Despite of my nick name I ate like a ‘horse’...so it was a mystery why I was so skinny...Who would have thought that just by being tense and unhappy inside can burn up so much calories......! All that self hatred.....

At the age of 15, those self hating thoughts became actions. I would regularly commit self harm and starve myself as the "voice" inside my head told me that I did not deserve to eat. 

It seemed that my mission was, to prove that I am not good enough! I gradually begun to fulfil all those thoughts and ideas that I had about myself. Some of my grades dropped, my relationship with my first "real" boyfriend became messy....I became messy. I guess being a perfectionist served anorexia well, as I wanted to obey it perfectly and I wanted to prove that I was good for nothing. 

As I got deeper and deeper into destroying myself, I also got further from my dream to solve my parent's problems (finance and relationship) and to become a doctor.

And when it finally became clear that I could not save my parents from their financial difficulty, ‘the voice’ told me that it was the very proof, (right in front of me) that I am good for nothing and deserve nothing but pain. 

Believe me, starving is physically, emotionally and mentally painful. And crazy as it may sound, I thought the only way I could feel a tiny little "good " about myself was, when I followed ‘the voice’ in my head a hundred percent.

However, the real torment only just began when people got involved in my eating disorder world. Because, they wanted me to get better. ( Well, look better.) I felt I was being torn; because I wanted to be a perfect patient and a perfect person who follows 'the voices's orders. Often the conflict was too hard to bare that only hurting myself -physically- brought me some sense of relief. I often thought that the only way out was, to kill myself. But those thoughts about my self execution  filled me with guilt and shame....which then just pushed me to punish myself even harder.

Recovery meant one very obvious thing; I had to eat! It may seem a very simple task, but when you have your own personal "watchdog" living inside you, whom makes you accountable for every single bite, for every single gulp....well, then it is not as easy. I can still remember how my hands were shaking, literally, when I tried to put food into my mouth. 

My heart raced and the beating of it my ear was so loud that I could here nothing from the world around me. Sweat ran down my forehead and my clothes became damp. 

At the same time ‘the voice’ inside my head kept shouting at me: " What do you think you are doing?  What makes you think you deserve that? Look around yourself, you hurt everyone, you do nothing that is good, you achieve nothing and will never become anything. You do not deserve to eat.......You do not deserve to live!”

Just imagine for a moment to experience all this everyday with every single byte.... Would you be inspired to eat? Would you want to go through with all the physical and mental pain?

Recovery also meant that I had to face my past and my present situation, all that I have lost during the time that I let anorexia take away from me. I had to face and re-live some painful memories and experiences. I had to accept that all that 24 years will never come back and I will never have the chance to live it again. It was very painful to just think about what I have managed not to achieve...how I let my dream of becoming a doctor being destroyed by anorexia. And ultimately, what all these meant for my future....What was I to become? Who was I? And who will I be without anorexia?

Recovery from anorexia was one of the hardest thing I have ever done.... It was scary, hard and often lonely. But nothing to compared to the loneliness living with anorexia. And it was 

worth it!

Nevertheless, I wanted to share this with you because I want those who have never been there, to get a glimpse of the inner world of somebody who is suffering, who is imprisoned by eating disorder. 

Because, we judge all to easily ( I even judged my own self) and we seem to think that with "willpower" anybody can break free. “ Why can’t you just snap out of it”, I have often heard people say to me. But there are so many reasons that can hold sufferers back from breaking free.....no matter how tormenting their life may became with the eating disorder.

Eating disorder is a very complex condition and there is so little and effective help available, but there is one thing that we can offer to those who suffer; love and compassion. With that there is hope that they may accept life and who they are and put up the fight with the illness.

You are enough! New Year..new steps...not a new you!

 

 Probably you have noticed one of those advertisements, that are popping up especially at the beginning of the New Year, which suggests that you need a "new you" -New Year, New You!- it says.

Before you start frantically nodding( whilst feeling bad about yourself ) to this advertisement in agreement. I suggest, you take a step back and think about what happened at the last time when you've tried to change yourself because you felt bad about yourself....

 If you are similar with most of us, you might had some disastrous result with all that changing business. 

I wonder if you know why...(?)

What I realised was, that I cannot make a positive change out of something that is fuelled by self-hatred and negative self-talk.

When you want to change the most important thing that you need is encouragement, positive support and love. 
If you are blessed with loving people around you,  you may have the right support system, But even if you have all that love and support from the outside but you still have those negative self-talks on your inside,  you will find that the only thing that is going to change is the level of your frustration. Which then going to create an even stronger self-dissatisfaction. And now you can see the vicious cycle where you've got yourself sucked into.

My second big discovery was, that I actually did not need to become "new"!
 Yes, I needed some change in my life..and I believe I will always have something that need to be improved..as I was not born being perfect ( but who is??). 
However, it is not to become the 'new me"that would change all those things that need to be improved in my life. I have habits that need to change and I can do that with one step at the time. And that has nothing to do with me becoming something that I am not. If anything, I need to be me, so that I can take full ownership over my achievements. 

I encourage you to instead of fighting becoming a 'new you', to embrace and accept yourself! Take steps in a new direction that would change those habits and qualities that you would like to change. Do it because you want to have a happier, healthier and better quality of life.

Get excited about those new steps, and pat yourself on your shoulder because you've not just recognised that you need to take new steps and perhaps a different path in your life, but you are willing and ready to do so!

Do it, because you want it, and not because you are manipulated into thinking that you are not enough. Who You are is good enough!

What have you traded your eating disorder for...?

Before I write any further, I want to clearly state that full recovery IS Possible!

What is being 'recovered' from an eating disorder means? At the present we do not have a definition for recovery. It has been said that everybody has their own meaning of what being recovered means to them.

Perhaps you can take a moment and collect your thoughts on what recovery means to you and examine how far you are from that place, what would need to happen in order to get there, or whether indeed you are at that place already.

Once you enter the " I am recovered status", you are out there to be looked at and more likely you will be judged by others, whether you really have recovered from your eating disorder. This is something that you cannot avoid and have to learn how to handle. 

Let's not worry about what other people think about our recovery status, and how they see us. Believe it or not that doesn't matter at the end of the day. But there is one thing that matters is You!

I want you to look at yourself and ask yourself this question: " Am I recovered? Am I free ?"

If your answer is "no", there is no need to beat yourself up for it! You can recover! It takes time, but you need to believe that you are not a "hopeless case"! I was told numerous time, that there was no way that I will ever recover, but by writing all these here to you, I am proving everybody wrong!  When you put all that energy that you put into your eating disorder, to your recovery instead, you can and you will recover.

( You can find out how to do that, and/ or if you need support, you can find help as well, through www.heemangforyou.com -use the contact form for free information and support- you can also follow these organisation on facebook :

https://www.facebook.com/pages/BAG-Beat-Anorexia-Group-/665637640189197

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Heemang/776026982420678

If your answer is "yes", then it is great news and you must be living your life to the full with all the challenges, ups and downs and joy that life throws at you. I am thrilled for you!

But hang on for a second, I do not want to doubt your recovery... However, I want you to be really recovered when you say: " I am recovered". Why? Because that is the ultimate goal for you if you really want to live and enjoy life. When you are recovered you  become a walking example for those who are still fighting for their freedom! Would you want to look up to somebody who isn't what she or he says is?

I have been there myself, I thought I was recovered...and I have said that I was recovered, when in truth I wasn't. Having said that, I know that it was part of my recovery. So, I did not have to feel guilty about my confusion...but the truth is I did feel that way ( once I recognised that I was in fact still just on the way to recovery) as I knew that some people looked up to me and were encouraged my progress. I had to be honest and admit that I was still steps away from 'freedom'. I found that rather hard...because I wanted to be there..I wanted to be recovered...and I wanted to help others and longed to be an empowering example. If you are anything like me, then you might have realised that it is not that simple to know whether you are recovered or not. I heard that everybody have their on meaning of 'recovery'..... That might be true... I don't know... I guess, I am hard on myself and I want to have the "perfect" recovery. Just as perfectly as I was obeying my eating disorder, the same way, with the same perfection I want it out of my life.

Let me share with you when I thought that I was 'recovered' looked like in my case.

I ate "healthy", the healthy that is out there by experts.... I did not count calories...so I thought, I was recovered. I exercised, mostly run two or three times a week, which considered being "normal". But If you would've asked me whether I eat because I run or I run because I ate, the answer would have been, "the later".

I had a two year old son at that time, so, I must have been "recovered",. considering the fact that during my anorexic years I was told that I will never be bale to have children.... So, having a child must mean that I was recovered, right...? I amazed everybody how "well" I looked considering that I had a baby, suddenly I became the "good example" and inspiration to all new mothers out there. I was complemented and told that this is how all mothers should look and do....! Did that make me feel good? Well, yes! At first. Then I started to feel uncomfortable....as I began to ask myself the question...."Are you really recovered?"

 The truth was, that If I didn't have time to do my "recommended amount of" excersise  or that "heathy meal", I was tense, grumpy and somewhat hard to get along with, to say the least.Of course like everybody else, I told myself that it was important to have my "me time".. now and then....away from the baby...that I needed to relax and get the tension out of my system.... And all that is true and important...but there are different ways to achieve calmness, it doesn't have to be involved with pulling weights, and running miles.

The reality was, that I trade my eating disorder for being "super healthy" and a "super woman".

 To clear any confusion here, I am not saying that you cannot do and enjoy sport once you made your recovery. I just hope that you have noticed the "enjoy" part that I wrote. You enjoy whatever activities you do, and you don't freak out if for some reasons you cannot do them.  

You eat and enjoy it and but not whilst thinking that eating is only "ok" because you will at some point do some workout...and then all will be fine. It is fine to eat and enjoy it even if you cannot walk 5miles after that breakfast you ate. It is ok to look "good" ( whatever "good" means), it is ok to look tired, stressed, have a bad hair day, and believe it or not it is fine to have a "bad" body day. We all have it... men, women... there is no human being who would feel completely satisfied in their body every single day.  

I believe, when you are recovered, you actually enjoy whatever you do and you have developed coping strategies for those "not so good days".... Just because you are recovered it doesn't mean that you will have no "bad" days. You will not be immune to hard times, but you can cope with whatever life brings.

You no longer need to do timeless workouts to prove your worth, or shop until you drop to make you feel better, or drink, or lock yourself away and hide...or do whatever it is that actually do not give you lasting peace and satisfaction. You no longer have to be the toughest kid on the block nor do you have to be the "everything is sorted out around me".

When you are recovered you feel free to be who you are!  When you are recovered you can and you do embrace yourself including your imperfection.

Are you there yet? If not, don't stop until you get there because you are worth it!

Is your worth measured by what you eat? - Eating (food) has got no moral values..or has it..?-

Is your worth measured by what you eat? -Eating has got no moral values..... or has it...?-

 I am sure you have heard your parents praise you for finishing up your food or eating your veggies. 

" What a good boy/girl, you are...!"- They might have exclaimed.

 I am even ashamed to admit that I have said the very same thing to my children when they finished their meals. 

 I think it just comes naturally....because we grew up hearing it over and over again.

However, as soon as I say these words, I ask myself, how does eating not eating the choices we make about food can make us any better or worse? Why would that make us a good or a bad person? Why would my children be "good" now because they have finished their plateful?  

We live in the world when "healthy eating" is nothing more as a business, when companies are more interested to sell their products, their meal plans, no matter what.....

I believe we are more confused than ever before about what " healthy eating" is. And we are constantly told what is "good' and what is "bad" to eat. We literally mean that eating certain food or even certain time is bad. 

We are also suggested that when we eat foods like; cakes, chocolate, fats food..we are cheating. But when we stick to a '-low this or -low that' and a '-free from this and free from that,' we are doing well.

In fact, we are good. And there is the "clean eating' phenomenon... which seems to suggest that anything else must be dirty. Does that mean, we can no longer eat granny's delicious apple pie, because that is dirty....?

I have struggled with an eating disorder for over 15years, and I had my own ideas and rules about food....

Now, as a recovered anorexic I am looking at eating and food with different eyes, and I am interested to analyze how people 'treat' food and what meanings they attach to eatings, what kind of relationships they develop.

I am sad to discover that those who claim to 'help' people to "eat healthy", 'live healthy", use food to manipulate, and implant guilt and fear into others mind.

I know professional trainers who would tell you to eat well for 6 days ( of course they have their own meaning of " eating well") and after six days you can have a "cheat day", and even bette, you can cheat without feeling guilty.

When I read about these kind of diets, I cannot stop asking these questions : since when is eating has anything to do with cheating? Since when has eating became a game of some sort?

Why should you or me "need" to feel guilty? Why do we have to bring guilt into something as eating which is  necessary to keep us alive...?

Don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that our relationship with food cannot be damaging for us... I know too well. My relationship with food had almost killed me. However, the relationship we have with food has no connection what so ever to any moral values.

You are not a "bad" person if all you eat is chips and ice cream, all day long. Yes, it might have a negative affect on your health (mental and emotional and physical), but still it doesn't make you qualified to be called a "bad/good boy/girl'. Nor you are a "good" person because you followed so and so's "healthy" eating plans for whatever many days or months, years.....

What we do with food doesn't define what we are worth. Food is just food. It is something that we need to put into our body to live, to grow, to function. It is as simple as that.

Your worth is far more beyond what you eat!

Does Size Matter-I am not "skinny"..can I be anorexic?

Does Size matter?

I am not skinny......can I be anorexic?

For some of you it might sound unbelievable, but eating disorder sufferers come in many different shape and size. 

Yes, you can be suffering from anorexia even if you do not look skinny. And you can appear to be over weight and still fighting with anorexia. You can look "normal" (whatever normal is ) and struggle with bulimia, anorexia, orthorexia, night eating syndrome...just to name a few. 

According to DMS-V ( Diagnostic and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders) some of the characteristics of anorexia in relations to weight is : "restriction of energy intake relative to requirements, leading to a significant low body weight in the context of age, sex, development trajectory and physical health.  Significantly low weight is defined as weight that is less than minimal or for children and adolescents less than that minimally expected.

Just examining the meaning of, the significantly low weight is obvious that it is not clearly defined and somewhat vague. 

However, professionals do follow the manual and those who suffer from anorexia but do not fit the "significantly low weight box", are not considered ill enough to be treated...that means they are put into the competing realm ( in this case competing with the DSM-V definition)... Badly enough anorexia is a competitive illness...even if the person does not compete with another person, they compete with themselves. Because the "anorectic voice" tells them that they are never thin enough, never starved enough...basically, nothing is ever enough for anorexia.

I remember back in my days when I was living with anorexia, that I was asked by my therapist to name the person I follow as an example. The person I want to look-alike.

I could not named one. I have never been interested in fashion, nor was I ever interested in anybody's look. I have always been a thin person and it was more often annoying than anything else.... My therapist who was, of course, treating me from a text book, was startled and even looked uncomfortable as I did not seem to fit the "box". I could almost read the question on her face :"Can she be really anorexic?" 

As a matter of fact I didn't fit most of the boxes...at the beginning of my illness, I didn't count calories, nor did I exercise excessively, nor did my  diet went wrong...etc.

I truly believe that the expectations of fulfilling the criteria for anorexia is making matters worse...and those sufferers who for example made some progress in their recovery, on their own, and reached a "normal weight" but are desperate for help because they don't know how to achieve complete freedom. Nor do they know how to deal with the "anorexic voice".These dear people are left alone. And if they want to be taken seriously, the only choice they have is to achieve a significantly low weight.

On my journey towards recovery, I have experienced hopelessness many times, and I I would have wished to have some help. I clearly remember the day when I was maintaining, a "healthy weight" but the anorexic voice did not seize to torment me. Every minute of my existence was filled with anorexia's endless demands. My head buzzed, I felt dizzy....confused and exhausted up to the point that I have contemplated taking my own life. However, I have pulled it through alone, but that is exactly, why I do not want others to have to go through this alone.

You can have a "normal weight", but still being tormented by anorexia. And the truth of the matter is, no matter what size you are, anorexia is no joke. Living with this illness is debilitating, devastating and very lonely.

Therefore, size does not matter in determining how anorexic you are, there is no level. If you have anorexia, you have anorexia.

Here is a question for us professionals who are here to help sufferers. Should we wait for those clients who fit with DSM-V characteristics of anorexia? Should we wait and only help those who fit into the "box". Or should we let our clients to be our teachers and teach us about how uniquely they experience the illness, regardless of shape and size and how many boxes we can tick, and help them at the stage where they are at? 

There Is Hope for Recovery from an Eating Disorder!

There Is Hope for recovery!

I had battled with anorexia for over 12 years and was told that I will never recover. I am glad to say that they were wrong! I have made a full recovery alone…as even my doctors and family gave up on me.

I am writing this blog because I want to give you hope; it is possible to be fully recovered! 

You do not have to believe the “voice” that tells you that you do not deserve to live! You may not be in control right now ( even though you think you are) because your ED has taken the control out of your hands. But you need to know that you can choose to fight back!

If you are somebody who cares for a loved one who has an eating disorder I want to tell you not to give up hope! You need to understand that the person with an eating disorder is not defined by the eating disorder. Your lovely daughter/ son/wife/husband or friend is still there, just locked away by ED. If you want to be helpful please, see the person and not the eating disorder! I know, this is difficult and most challenging, but believe me that it can help the person to fight back, you can actually give power!

I am longing to bring some awareness about the stigma that is out there about ED and ED sufferers. I want to stop all of them! I want people to wanting to see and hear the truth about Eating Disorder. Because those who are suffering deserve to be respected and accepted and above all to be loved!

I still remember the day when somebody asked this question: “Oh, when will you stop this hobby of yours?” That person actually thought that starving myself was simply a hobby, something that I have chosen to do, for fun.

I have to tell you, it was not fun! I was dying but not just my body but my soul. Actually, I was dead inside and I couldn't care less when I was told that I can die in a few days. The painful truth was that my days were numbered and that worried my parents. However, it did not make me wanting to fight. In fact, it made me to want to die even more…I thought my parents and others around me will be better off without me…after all I am just a burden to them.  I think not many people get this but to tell somebody with an eating disorder that their look or their illness is causing their environment pain, making others' life miserable…etc. These comments are not helpful. Comments like that are captured word by word by the eating disorder and ED is throwing them back at the sufferer over and over again, so to  remind them how bad and unworthy they are which then encouraging the sufferer to torture himself/herself even more.

eating disorder is not about “look”, I wish it could be understood! I find the belief that having an eating disorder is about wanting to look beautiful, most upsetting and misleading.

I believe that eating disorder is about hunger for love. For some reason those people who develop an Eating Disorder believe that they are not worth to be loved but, they are longing to be loved,although even that very thought of wanting to be loved gives a sense of guilt. As ED is rebuking the person instantly : “you do not deserve to be loved…..who do you think you are?"…

On my long journey to recovery I had to learn that I can”want”. I know, this might sound silly but those of you who are battling with an eating disorder sure to understand me exactly.

Please, remember that full recovery is possible and it is available for you! I am a living example of it!

If you want me to help you through your journey or you might want to help somebody and you want to understand a little more about what it is like to live with anorexia,please write in the comment box below.

I will continue this blog and tell you how I won the battle against anorexia and how I arrived at the place where I wanted to fight back.

Living with ED is a very lonely place to be…no matter what kind of ED you are struggling with. Please know that you are not alone, I am here to help you. Reach out because you are worth it! And if you think :” but you don’t know what kind of person I am”. Try me!

You are right! I may not know you but one thing I know and that is that you were born to be a unique individual for a purpose, and I believe that is not to be destroyed by ED!

Let yourself hope, because an ED free life is available to you and waiting for you too!